Living with a Sound Engineer

Somewhere between the decree that non-essential workers work from home and lockdown, my partner and I decided it was a good time for me to go stay at his for a week or so.

That was some five months ago. Guess I live here now.

So, this one is for my long suffering partner and favourite Sound Engineer.

Note to said partner: I’m using Sound Engineer for simplicity.

Note to all others: see point one.

(And yes, that is also the story of how it takes a pandemic for me to commit to anything.)

Now, I’ve run gigs, I have worked in events, I have worked building stages, hell, I’ve even been allowed behind a lighting desk a few times. So surely, surely, I knew what to expect.

I know, cute right?

Without further ado, here is what I have learnt living with a Sound Engineer.

• Know the difference between Engineer, Stage Crew and Technician. Oh and remember, one person can be all of the above, depending on the circumstance. Or a producer. Sometimes they’re producers. (Don’t worry, they’ll ensure they explain the difference, as many times as required…You may need a notepad.)

• Mics. Mics everywhere.

• You are now stage crew. Don’t believe them when they invite you along to “sit in the van/ come backstage at the gig”. You will be working.

• Everything is a Fire Hazard or a Trip Hazard. This will be explained to you very patiently, and in great detail.

• Sentences not to say:
  • But aren’t remixes just, like, someone else’s music?
  • I understand how sound works (also to note, sound and noise are different things- any confusion on this score will be hastily explained away.)

• You can now start earning surprise approval from sound professionals by remarking in front of your boss that a taxi rank just hijacked the frequency of the radio mic in the middle of your conference and it’s not the tech’s fault. You will be rewarded with sweets.

• Being offered coffee or Haribo by sound professionals is the highest gesture of respect – do not refuse.

• You will never be in charge of packing again. Fitting more stuff into the van/building/fridge than there is physical cubic space for is a personal challenge. DO NOT OFFER ADVICE. (This activity also requires constant humming of the Tetris theme tune.)

• Tetris is now a suffix (Van-Tetris/Fiesta-Tetris/Fridge-Tetris)

• Any new album must be listened to on repeat for two days. This allows for 1.5 days of them explaining it to you, and half a day for you to actually listen to it.

• Remember those days when you’d buy cheap headphones/speakers? Because, really, they do the job. Those days are behind you now. You are spoilt and can never go back.

• If someone ever indicates that “you wouldn’t understand” about something sound/technical related because you are a girl/un-initiated/young/old/possess a cat/once ate the skin of an avocado on a dare, you now have someone who will, out of principal, teach you exactly enough to make sure you can show that person up.

And one last piece of advice: Never assume they can’t hear you when wearing those big headphones. They’re open backed.